The Soundtrack, Track One: "The Parting Glass"

"The Parting Glass" is one of my favorite folk songs ever. In recent years, I've decided that it's high on the list of excellent memorial service songs -- morbid though it might be, in the same way that some people think of ideal songs they'd play at their weddings, I think of the perfect songs to play at my funeral. It also strikes me as an excellent song for the penultimate number in a set. Like, fake 'em out with a mellow song of goodbyes in the interest of goading the audience into an encore. But mostly I think that the best application for this song is that it be sung among friends as the sun is coming up after spending all night together. In the Scottish and Irish traditions, this is just how it's done.

Memory often fails me when I try to think of where I first heard "The Parting Glass". However, whenever I hear the song again, in my mind flicker vague shadows that make me think I had to have been in Ireland when first I was introduced to this tune.

While I have no concrete memory of having heard it there, I of course have so few concrete memories of Ireland to begin with. Yes, particulars exist; the gypsies I met when frequenting The Brazen Head, the night Robbie Williams made me sleep in a train station, the lonely psychic I met in Galway (or was it Dingle Bay?). And, of course, I remember the crazy girl who stalked me across an ocean as if it were something that young couples in love did all the time. As if, indeed, we were really in love and not just sick together in terrible ways. I remember the twenty-five hundred dollar CD I liquidated so I'd have enough money to support us while we were stuck in Ireland for that last month. I remember what once was almost clever insidiousness in her efforts to take control of my mind and body had descended into malice, spite, and madness. I remember the way she read through my private journal on the laptop I'd brought with me, and slammed it on the ground in rage upon finding an entry expressing regret that I hadn't been stronger and told her to stay away. I remember writing a cute poem about animals in a food fight, but I don't recall the words of it. I remember the leather jacket she bought in a little streetside shop with the very last of her own money before we started in on exhausting all of mine.

Beyond these and other little things, the land of Éire otherwise began, in the years that followed, to blur into an indistinct green-and-gray smear in my memory. Rather than events and specifics, a swirl of vaguenesses and nonspecific images come to mind. I remember the lilting patter of the native people who spoke to me with such kindness when I was miserable, but individual voices have lost distinction. I know I spent a lot of time at The Brazen Head, but I only vaguely remember what it looked like -- for years, in fact, I misremembered its name as "The Goat's Head" for some reason. I remember the behavior of the streets and sidewalks, but I couldn't now tell you any of their names, or what lay on them, or which directions they ran.

And through it all, I have the vague but persistent image of a boy I saw when I looked in the mirror, and the sensation of learning to sincerely hate his face. The weak little man-shaped creature's dull and defeated eyes would stare back at me, and I'd mutely marvel at how pale and ghostly he'd become, wasting away in the only bout of depression during which he'd ever actually LOSE weight. There's the image of that boy waiting up until the girl went to sleep. He'd then sneak out of wherever hostel they were staying at that week so that he could spend all night trudging around the dimly-lit streets of Dublin, wearing out his shoes and finding some odd place to settle and drink until early morning came. Having already discovered the drink, I can see his descent from "a young man who takes a beer or two here and there" into what most civilized people would call "a drunk". He'd shamble back to the hostel where he left the girl to sleep, sleep a few hours himself, and spend the whole day following just waiting for his next opportunity to take a small meal, or get a drink, or simply curl up and die.

There was music everywhere in Dublin. And it wasn't just for the tourists, either; while Americans in tennis shoes and short pants sporting their new "I [Shamrock] Dublin" tee-shirts enjoyed how "quaint" and "rustic" sounded the bodhrán drums and uilleann pipes, the more enlightened among us were coming to appreciate the music truly, on its own merits and for what it was. Going to pubs and discovering the tradition of the Irish drinking song and the "pub session" made me realize there was something missing in my upbringing: a community of people who knew all the same songs. It's such a little thing, you'd think, by the sound of it. But as much as I came to love and value the Irish for the wisdom and kindness they shared with me even as total strangers, those same strangers made me feel even more isolated and alien when I discovered that I was the only one in the pub's lower tier that hadn't brought an instrument and didn't know any of the songs. Men and women of all ages -- literally all ages, I discovered when a mother and father with a guitar and a fiddle brought in their preteen son still in his football uniform straight after practice -- would come and gather in some convenient corner of the room. With no clear leader appointed, they nevertheless started in on this song or that. A small orchestra of plucked, strummed, and bowed strings might form around a drum line four or five pieces strong, while the occasional ambitious musician dragged a squeezebox or a set of pipes into the place to fill out the ensemble (or just show off). 

Early on in the evening, the many players in attendance wielding a sundry multitude of instruments could add something fun and kinetic to "The Star of County Down" and "Irish Rover", and all other kinds of tunes to dance to. Occasionally people did. The night would wear on and the ensemble would suffer attrition, the older set doing an upbeat but still sober rendering of "Erin Go Bragh", and a calmer still mood would set in and the group would slightly condescendingly but still sincerely answer some American tourist's request to do "Danny Boy". There was always a song of parting when the band would break for the night.

I say all this as though I remember the specific songs, other than that American favorite "Danny Boy". In truth, I don't. It was only in succeeding years of exploring this music and relearning its depth and sincerity that I found titles to fill in this little corner of my memoirs. They're popular enough songs, so I assume I must have heard them. I feel it's sound enough reason that, not being well-versed in Irish history, the significance of "Erin Go Bragh" and "Fields of Glory" would have been lost on me and I therefore wouldn't have remembered them well. As absorbed as I always was in my own troubles, my own ignorance persisted to the point that I can't think of a single song I actually learned while I was there.

It's the best I can do to remember these stray images, scattered as they are like so many puzzle pieces across an already cluttered room, and associate sounds with sensations. Every time I hear a new Irish song, I try to find as many versions and variations on it that I can find and listen through them all; fairly often a small sting of familiarity with strike and images will spring to mind, or feelings will, that are linked to the lyrical patter or the instrumental hooks. I remember, after much meditation, that I seemed to hear "Rocky Road to Dublin" almost every time I went out for a walk; and as I descended deeper and deeper into the pit of surrender I'd been digging myself, every successive playing of it that I heard seemed to be faster. Or perhaps I was simply slowing down, my senses dulling under the abrasive touch of a possessive, poisonous girl, and dampened by whiskeys and beers and rums already beyond numbering.

So in recovering these memories, all I have are these flickers that the music brings back to me. I find new significance in these songs based on what I must assume the old significance was as I piece together my fragmented and booze-soaked mental diary of those dark days. It's the best I can do to simply listen, feel, wonder whence that feeling came and see if there really is a memory attached to it.

Which brings us, finally, to "The Parting Glass".

There is no balm for the soul in despair to match a song of melancholic sweetness. "The Parting Glass" still resonates, and with the same difficulty as I have with recovering my other memories of Ireland, I can only try to piece together why. But as it's a parting song the likes of which a pub session might finish with, and given that most nights in Ireland I was awake well past any decent hour, I have to assume I'd heard at least once. For many years I'd forgotten about this song, and I was suddenly moved to tears when I heard it again. What a summation of my life during and after Ireland was the line, "All the harm that e'er I've done / alas, it was to none but me"; how meaningful to my more recent frustrations with my failing memory the line, "all I've done for want of wit / to mem'ry now I can't recall". Indeed, I can't think of a single line in the song's verses that doesn't apply to the life I've led, either earnestly or with that bitterly chuckling Irish irony that I'd come to adopt as my own.

But it was the chorus that drove me to tears when I heard it after (what I assume was) so long. There's something about the phrase, "Goodnight, and joy be to you all," that stings terribly when I hear it anymore; I have to wonder if it's an old sting from the dark time I spent there, being wished joy when I knew what lay before me were a thousand promises of misery. After all, every English-speaker I met in all of Europe said "cheers" as a parting, to the point that the word lost most of its meaning. It was not a literal wish for cheer, it was simply an acknowledgement that myself and my conversation partner were parting ways. But then there was that damn line -- after a sweetly sad song about all things past, the word "joy" was too much for me to handle. That anyone would wish joy on a stupid, trapped, ghostly young drunk who was becoming rapidly incapable of joy was an exercise in futility. I must have been aware of it at the time, if I was aware of anything at all.

Now I hear "goodnight and joy be to you all" and remember a my swirling, hazy vision trying desperately to focus as I staggered into the cool air of the Irish summer, promptly to vomit in the garbage bin amidst an uncontrollable torrent of tears. Rage and misery erupted from my body as my bar tab likely went unpaid, and as music was squelched by the rush of cool air and the sound of a city at night rushed past my ears. My throat and eyes burned as my stomach turned inside out and barbs of unremitting sorrow burrowed tightly into my brain. I knew in that moment, beyond all shadows of any reasonable doubt, that I'd never be happy again.

In the years that followed, although I'd forgotten that moment itself, it happens that I was proving myself right.

I forgot music. Love became a myth. Dreams died quick, ignominious deaths. And a bright-eyed, intelligent boy was smothered out of existence by a weak-willed, fat drunk interested in very little other than shuffling through each day without any challenge or confrontation. Memories of Ireland grew dim -- understandable, I am able to say in hindsight, because if I were in an airplane that suddenly went into tailspin, I'd pay more attention to how soon I was going to die than I paid to where exactly my downward spiral began. My descent into depression and booze was swift; clawing my way back to a point of normalcy has been slow.

But little by little, spring returned to my step. I remembered that there is joy to be had in this life, and I became more aggressive about seeking it. The battered tapestry of my memories slowly mended itself as I discovered and rediscovered the old songs and stories. I was writing again, and performing, and socializing, and not getting mixed up with horrible women (usually), and most of all I was learning to enjoy life again. Bit by bit, song by song, I was recovering my old life and building up my new one.

And lately, as I plumb the musical libraries of the world seeking inspiration for the music I mean to write now, I was finally reunited with "The Parting Glass". It was a moment of poetry, as Wordsworth would have defined it: "Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquility." I wasn't trying to do anything other than see what music I could learn from -- I just wasn't prepared to learn what I already knew, what I'd already been through. The moment of utter misery recalled to me upon hearing "The Parting Glass" made me weak in the knees and returned ancient and abandoned tears to my cheeks.

As with other bouts of musical research, I looked up many different versions and listened to them many times over, still in that weirdly crippled state, alternately battling tears and surrendering to them, unable to do anything but bond with the music and let the memory rattle around in my brain -- the memory of when the boy truly died and the sad excuse for an adult, nearly incapable of doing anything right and dead to any emotion but misery, was thrust, sobbing and vomiting, into the world.

And I thought to myself... why?

Why this song? Why these memories? Or, as the poor sick stalker girl would say every time she crippled me into an unmanly crying fetal position and then attempted to gaslight me over it, "Why the waterworks?"

It took me a while to answer myself, and when I did I started laughing. I laughed because where once I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a bottle and wait for my next chance to crawl into another, I now want nothing more than to make art and then make more art. I laughed because even when I'm at my angriest or most melancholy, I still slap a thick slice of humor on whatever trouble I'm having, minimizing it rather than dwelling on it. I laughed because there is no sound more beautiful to me than human laughter; I love to evoke it from others, and I regained the ability to do it myself at last. I laughed because I tell people, upon parting, "Take care, have fun, enjoy!"

I laughed because -- at last, through the thick, dark veil of time, and probably by happy accident -- the kindness and wisdom of the Irish finally struck me in the brain when I was finally strong enough to understand it, and understand how important it is that I spread it to others:

Joy be to you all.

Three True Stories

I call this piece, composed as it is of three entirely unrelated but biographical ideas, "Three True Stories."

-1-

...note to self, re: grooming

Dear Future Dave,
I know that when you don't have someone to impress with your good looks and charm, you tend to basically let yourself go, grooming-wise. You don't comb or trim your hair, and you go in excess of a week without shaving or even using clippers on your beard area. This last is what I mean to address.

-A-

I noticed a woman today. I've seen her and noticed and (though I try to lie to myself about it) admired her before, but this time I found myself really LOOKING. Studying the contours of her face and the shape of her body. She's tall and long-limbed, evoking slenderness without actually being so slender. Her long, dark hair is always as straight as nails. But this time, what I took the most time in noticing was her eyes...

-2-

...the problem, Dave, is that when all you do is give your face a quick scrubbing in the shower and then fail to shave or clip your cheeks and throat areas, you're failing to thoroughly exfoliate the skin there. All kinds of horrible things can happen to skin that gets treated to a cursory scrubbing with a soapy hand and an unceremonious rinse, you know.

-B-

Her eyes are dark and downturned at the outside corners. She smiles so brightly and so widely, her voice carrying for whole city blocks as she laughs and jokes and smiles and projects her lively intellect onto the world. It's really a beautiful thing to listen to her speak and evoke such joy. But I get so distracted by those eyes. They're so dark and distant, the shape of them evoking such sadness...

-3-

...the upshot of all this? Your skin is basically shit. You really should know that. You're doing it no favors, and I'll tell you WHY, Future Dave. Myself and Past Dave ask you to recall the two giant zits on your neck. You know, the ones you found today when you finally decided, "hmm, maybe I'm looking a little prickly"!

-C-

I hate that I might be right about her. That, like me, her wide-mouthed laughter is belying some deep sadness that she won't tell people about. Maybe, like me, she's full of anger and trying desperately to be rid of it. I know she went through a rough time, at least when last I spoke to her. I look at her wide smile and sad, sad eyes and wonder... is it over now? Have you forgiven the person who did you wrong?...

-4-

...well, when you finally picked your lazy butt off the couch and decided to ACT on that little inkling, guess what! Through your negligence of skin care, you sluiced the caps right off of THOSE little Coke bottles full of filth, and now I, Present Dave, have a neck that looks like I just escaped a vampire attack. Two perfectly-spaced little geysers of blood are the pus-filled, well-packaged gifts that Past Dave left me -- and make no mistake, THAT guy's not off the hook either.

-D-

I found myself too shy to talk to her. I could have done, easily, but I was too worried that she was like me. Still angry about past wrongs. Still too injured to trust anyone, even for the kind of light conversation I’d have made with her. And maybe, just maybe, too keen on imposing her own misery onto other people, with a sincere and ugly hope, borne of some pitiful and desperate desire not to be alone, that other people are hurting the way she is. Maybe even hurting worse…

-5-

...so in conclusion, Future Dave, I am of a mind to leap forward in time, looking like a victim of a Twilight sparkle-vamp, to squeeze these gross neck zits and shoot you with pus and blood. Why have I not done this to Past Dave? I have already beaten the shit out of him. This is acceptable to me. But wear this two-pronged badge of honor warily, my friend. Wear it as a reminder that you need to take care of yourself. Because seriously, it looks like Edward Cullen failed to fully puncture your fleshy neck-snood and now you’re doing the sparklepire walk of shame, looking for band-aids. You slob.

-E-

I am so angry at myself...

-6-

Sincerely, wishing you worms in your head,
Present Dave.

-?!-

Today, a little bluebird alighted on the tree near where I usually sit down to write. It felt good to see the creature -- some people would call it a bluebird of happiness. I don’t believe in that sort of thing, good luck and signs and all that, but it was still pleasing to see a little bit of nature settling down and taking a break.

That’s when an awkward, hulking blackbird wheeled in from completely out of nowhere and collided with the bluebird. With a startled tweet, the caromed bluebird used the momentum of being belted off its perch to spread its likely bruised wings to bolt off into the air. Likewise, with a frustrated caw, the blackbird rolled and yawed in the air until it finally got its bearings again, swooping in a low arc that came dangerously close to a head-over-heels ground collision, then wheeling off in another direction.

I had never seen any creature in nature be so clumsy. I was stunned for a moment, amazed that both birds seemed to actually be unharmed despite undergoing the aviary equivalent of getting hit by a bus and running off the road. A few moments also passed with my wondering what someone who believes in luck and signs might have to say about it.

When my surprise wore off, however, and noting that both birds were flapping their wings like they were mostly unhurt but for bruised egos, I chuckled.

“Huh," I said aloud, "black and blue. Ouch.”

Stupid birds.

A Potent Mixture of Genever and Sweetest Nectar

A Potent Mixture of Genever and Sweetest Nectar
adapted from the original by one Baronet David, known to his friends as Man-o’-the-Wolves

Movement the First: as bespoke by the notorious Sleuthhound, and succeeded by his Chorus of Ruffians

In lending thought to all that great discontent with doth blight this fair city with its fine long beach: a’times I, who e’en now wouldst deign to crudely spell his own currish name, find ‘t a great struggle in, to mine own self, being true; ne’er-the-less, against many a tribulation doth my mind continue bespawning so many a saucy inkling with nigh each rising of the eastern sun.  If thou, hearer, wouldst permit me, I would grace mine own fellow rapscallions with a scant little number of lines whilst wafting, zephyrously, past the second hour of the antemeridian for, in absentia mater, this soiree remains jubilant and animated! Inhabiting my abode’s antechamber are such wanton women of ill repute that wouldst engage i’ th’ buggery of each other, ne’er to cease before some four hours hence; zounds! but what action should our like take in reply?  Fill’d is my purse with the means by which my loins may be girded, as are filled those of my compatriots; douse the torches, then, my boys, bar too the doors that we may attend to this great and devilish work! (Howe’er, as harlots they be, th’ heart be not their dwelling-place — lusty they nestle in the liver, where desire burneth!)  Therefore, comrades, burneth we shall as we charge our bowls with th’ herb — ruffians, arise!  Strumpets, to thy knees!  And all those who have knowledge of their matrons, lend an ear!

Carousing in the lanes, partaking o’ th’ pipe, and imbibing a potent mixture of genever and sweetest nectar, in repose as I consider th’ contents of my abundant purse, lo! as my purse doth lay to its claim the totality of mine addled brain!

The Remainder

I was there when the world stopped.

The planet had a stroke and every living thing dropped dead. Everywhere, blood stopped pumping. All at once. From pole to pole, from continent to continent, from the top of the sky to the depths of the ocean trenches. Fish floated to the surface. Birds plummeted to the ground. Airplanes dove, cars crashed, and every pedestrian became a rag doll.

The machines stopped, too. Lights went dark. Heaters went cold. The organic thrum of engines gave way to silence, and every carefully-cooled room returned to the uncomfortable sticky heat of the outside.

The wind halted and the waves went flat. The trees wilted and the sands stopped rolling. Rivers froze in their tracks and waterfalls tumbled their last. The clouds dispersed and the sky went hot and clear and yellow.

First it was cacophony, of course, as all the things that had to stop stopped. Here I was in the middle of the street as cars rolled and crashed to a halt, and the helicopters whirled off into concussions of sound and fury and death, and the bugs tumbled down to tap out their grim morse against the ground like aborted raindrops and birds splattered the pavement  and the lights went out.

The planet tripped and fell on its face and broke its neck. A whoosh and a crack and then the slow drip drip drip of a little blood as the last few human beings landed, staring vacantly at the ground or the horizon or the sky.

And then.

And then.

It’s impossible to express what “silence” really is. You’ve never heard it before. Even in a room with no sound, enclosed and away from the pulsing and groaning of the rest of the planet, you still have your heart pumping in your ears, the slow whoosh and sigh of your own breath, your hair bristling and your skin scraping roughly against other skin. You don’t know silence because you know the sound of the inside of your body. The ringing in your ears. The spasmodic twitching of your thoughts.

This was silence.

The world hit its head and went deaf.

There was silence.

And I was there to see it.

I knew in an instant what it meant. All living things simply ended. The living earth stopped living, and all things that moved and changed halted in their inexorable tracks.

I must not be alive.

I had never been alive. All living things are stopped, and here I am still going.

The earth exhaled and drowned and couldn’t breathe anymore and sank into the bog, smothered into purple-tongued silence and bulging bloodshot eyes rolled back to stare into its own dark eye sockets. Things don’t decompose. Even the bacteria are dead. The air doesn’t move as I shamble through the cluttered streets, and yet I can persist even though the stagnant vacuum won’t let me breathe. Every bump in the uneven pavement becomes a shard of diamond in my feet since it won’t erode under my weight. The millions of millions of dead don’t even have the courtesy to stink. Elephants and whales are dead and so are the amoebas and microbes. They don’t even stink.

They just sit there just as they were when the earth fell into the gorge and dashed out its brains on the rocks and its little thoughts scattered everywhere.

I had never been alive, and yet I am privy to the end of the world.

I can’t tell if the sun is still alive. Everything is the same temperature so the heat isn’t going away into space because the air is dead. But I can look right at the sun and I can’t burn my eyes out for some reason.

The damp loam is rock under my step. The snow is an ice sculpture that I can’t climb. The air won’t move.

Silence.

Silence.

You will never understand.

I am still here.

"Work is a Notepad and These are the Scribbles": Another Handful of Conversations.

============== 

A man enters the lobby on a mid-January morning, looking first to the site of the gift shop. The site is clearly completely empty; the walls are bare, the floor hosts no furniture or products, and the lights inside are off (though the space is still well illuminated by lights without). 

Him: "Oh. Is the gift shop closed?"
Me: "Yep. They're renovating. Under new management. Nothing'll be there for the next week or two, is what I'm hearing. Maybe a month."
Him: "So it's not gonna be open?"

ME sighs at having to repeat himself, but presses on. 

Me: "Not for a couple weeks, no."
Him: “I mean today. Are they going to be open today?”
Me: “...no. They’ll be closed while renovating for a while.”
Him: “Why?”
Me: “Because they’re RENOVATING. Clearing everything out, top to bottom. No one’s there now, and won’t be until February.”
Him: “Oh.”

A pause as he casts his eyes back to the empty room. 

Him: “So, like, I’ll be back at three. Can I get flowers in there or something?”
Me: “February is more than five hours away, sir.”
Him: “Oh, okay. I’ll just check back in the morning.”

==================== 

Him: “Excuse me, sir. Where is the designated smoking area?”
Me: “There is no smoking permitted anywhere on campus. You’ll have to make your way down to the street.”

The man gestures to the patio. 

Him: “Out here?”
Me: “No, that’s still on campus. If you walk out and turn left, you can take the driveway down the hill to the street.”
Him: “All right. Nowhere closer, huh?”
Me: “Sorry, no.”

The man proceeds to exit the front doors, walks about ten feet, sits down at the fountain, and lights up a cigarette right under a “No Smoking” sign. I stare at him for a moment, then walk around my desk and out the doors. 

Me: “Sir, you’re still on campus. I have to ask you to go down to the street if you’re going to smoke.”
Him: “What do you mean?”
Me: “I mean you’re still on hospital grounds, where smoking is prohibited.”

I gesture to the sign, which he looks at, after which he looks angrily back at me. 

Him: “What?! Why am I always the last to hear about these things?!”
Me: “I ask myself the same thing every day, sir.”

The man saunters down the hill, returning some twenty minutes later, smelling something like an industrial smokestack and wheezing profusely. 

Him: “That hill is murder! You should have a smoking area on this level!”
Me: “It had occurred to me. I blame tectonic activity for the objectionable topography of the region, myself.”
Him: “What?”
Me: “That hill is murder.”

 ================= 

Her: “Where’s the cafeteria?”
Me: “On the ground floor.”
Her: “How do I get there?”
Me: “By taking this elevator down to the ground floor.”
Her: “And then?”
Me: “And then you’ll be at the cafeteria’s entrance.”
Her: “Now hold on. Say that again?”
Me: “Elevator down to G.”

I don’t continue talking, but she replies quickly as if to cut me off from continuing to speak. 

Her: “Wait a minute. I know I’m going to forget. Can you write it down?”
Me: “Oooooh-kay.”

I write, as neatly as I’m able in large letters, “Elevator Down to (G)round Floor” with a circle around the G, indicating the elevator button one must press to complete the trip. She inspects the note closely once I hand it to her. 

Her: “Now wait a minute. ‘Elevator.’ That’s THIS elevator?”
Me: “Yep.”
Her: “And ‘down to (g)round.’ So what do I press?”
Me: “First you hit the ‘down’ button. When you’re inside, hit the button marked ‘G’.”
Her: “And then?”
Me: “And then you wait until the elevator’s on G, for ‘ground’, and then when you step off, the cafeteria will be right in front of you.”
Her: “Oh god. I’m gonna get lost.”

She dashes off to the elevator, hits the “up” button, and is gone. Half an hour later, she returns, note in hand and looking distressed. 

Her: “I never found it!”
Me: “The cafeteria you mean?”
Her: “Yeah! This place is a maze! I wound up in the emergency room!”
Me: “How’d you get there?”
Her: “I did what you said! I went up to B...”
Me: “Down to G, ma’am.”
Her: “...wh... what?”

I point to the relevant lines in the note I wrote. 

Me: “Elevator down to G. You went one level too far.”

She stares dolefully at the note for many long seconds before finally renewing eye contact. 

Her: “Now wait a minute. Can you tell me that again?”

============ 

A woman enters when I am feeling mischievous. 

Her: “Hi. Does this elevator go down?”
Me: “No, actually. The car on the right only goes up, and the car on the left only goes down.”
Her: “Oh. Makes sense.”

Taking my jest entirely seriously, she hits the down button, staring at it contemplatively for a few long seconds. 

Her: “I guess the buttons should be side-by-side, then, rather than up and down.”
Me: “...I honestly hadn’t thought of that.”

============== 

Them: “I’m looking for room 803.”
Me: “There’s no room 803 here.”
Them: “They told me it was room 803.”
Me: “Well, give us the patient’s last name and I can look them up.”

The visitor tells me the patient’s name, which I can’t find. 

Me: “Not finding the name here. Are you sure it’s here and not at [the very similarly named hospital on the other side of town]?
Them: “No, they never go there. She said she was at [completely different hospital with an entirely dissimilar-sounding name in a totally different direction].”
Me: “Yeah, that’s... not here.”
Them: “...well why would they lie to me?!”

==============

A Humbug to a Humbug

"A Christmas Carol" is a book I've often described as my favorite Charles Dickens story, but upon reflecting today, I've decided to reconsider that.

Scrooge's becoming a miser, recluse, and misanthrope was the work of many years of bad decisions, regret, and heartache; his becoming a gleeful and charitable soul was the work of one night's fever dream. Most people with far fewer personality flaws than Scrooge don't EVER get rid of them -- even after years of therapy and concerted effort, and even if you tell them they'll die because of how badly they're screwing up. Further, none of these people are forgiven in a single day, even if it's Christmas, just for doing some nice gestures and saying they'll change their ways. Am I really to expect, Mr. Dickens, that all it takes is one night of panic, a morning of giving away some money and food and presents, and then I'll be a joyful individual who is well-liked by all who know me? Realistically, in his day and age, Scrooge would've been locked up as a madman for such a rapid personality shift, even if he left OUT the part of his night that included hallucinating these ghostly voices of conscience.

Just because he changed his ways doesn't mean the rest of the world would have to. First, give the sensible and rightfully resentful people of the neighborhood ONE good reason to lock up a man they ALREADY hate. Then watch all the money he's accumulated over the years suddenly disappear into the coffers of those not only who DIDN'T have a panic attack the night before, but those who were seriously tired of taking Scrooge's bullshit and decided this facetious and self-interested campaign of holiday cheer was the last goddamn straw. You didn't have friends yesterday, Scrooge, and the greatest present your town will have ever gotten will be 1) the joyful sight of your ass getting thrown in the twinkiemobile to get shipped off to the loony bin, and 2) the chance to raid your home and counting-house for all the dough you've squirreled away after years of exploiting them.

Screw you, Dickens. You haven't taught me a damn thing.

And Against Thou Shall It Rise

It is when the darkness falls that I feel it.

Deep within me, it stirs. A shadow. A poison. A savage and invisible mass of murderous horror that wants nothing more than to be set free and to destroy. There are days that I try to fight it, even though it claws at my insides and howls.

That’s the worst of it -- when its rages become so loud that, even when my resolve is strong and I lock the beast away, it still can be heard through the walls of its meager prison. Today was such a day -- but. The rumblings of its abominable, guttural croak. Its unremitting, unflagging pounding against the barricades I’ve placed around it. The pain -- oh, god, the pain it wreaks upon me -- not only the dread of knowing its ascension is inevitable, but the knowledge that its torturous wringing of my insides is but a fraction of the suffering it was cause me AND you. Yes. This thing within me -- it is not satisfied to destroy me. It will arise to blight you, as well. When it arises, you would beg to have back your worst day.

And I do say “when”. I won’t fight this wretched force of evil any longer. I have given into it -- and if I must suffer, then by the devil who sired me, I will wreak upon you and the rest of your world tenfold the suffering that has been inflicted on me. The evil within me will burst forth and consume you, and on this day shall we both know of each other equal anguish and hatred.

So don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Now pull my finger.



 (This elaborate fart joke brought to you by whatever the hell they were serving in the cafeteria today.)

And Soon This Poison Will Reach Your Brain

it is the spider and it is the spider's venom
it is the food that sates its own savage hunger
it is fire, stealing breath or sealing wounds
it's the claws of the vise clamped on the brain
as it is the hand that turns the screw

it's a slow and creeping poison
injected straight to the heart
it might be its own cure
but the cure is slow

the antidote
is so much
slower
still

Dave Pereyra
25 November 2012

Some Spoken Words to Pop Culture

I'm really just a boy, and a boy is like a wonder, but it's no wonder the Boy Wonder's nothing like Wonder Woman;
but Wonder Woman like Xena, Xena fought with Ares, and Ares fought with Hercules
And Hercules was hairy.
And hairy Hercules met the oracle, but never met a metaphorical, metafictional, or metaphysical Mephistophiles.
You know; Mephisto, the brother of Diablo, and Diablo was the brother of Baal,
and I killed Baal with a claymore while Namor saved the whales.
(Leaving Aquaman quite pale.)

Pale like me! Like shark bait, like fish-belly white. White like what?
Like the white light of the White Lantern Corps, the White Fang of the White Tiger, and Perry White. Superman's boss! Never gave Superman a raise, and he never raised a toast,
He only raised his voice to say "Great Caesar's Ghost!"

I can please 'er like Caesar, I'm not a dummkopf like Totenkopf
I'm a smartacus like Spartacus! (But only when I'm hardicus)
And if you're parting us when I'm hardicus it's called coitus interruptus.

So don't interrupt us, me and my girl, my girl interrupted. Was that Angelina Jolie?
Holy Moly, Miss Jolie. Jolie was a Tomb Raider, I played 'er in my teenage nadir, my face all full of craters, and I'm afraid 'er place in my life made me a chronic masturbator.
Masturbator? Master Vader. Darth Vader.
You know that "vader" is the German word for the Latin word for "pater"?

Du ist mein vader, pater familia, pater patter of padded panther paws,
Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Peter Parker was a Marvel, Parker Posey was a DC,
A posey is a flower, and flowers go in pots, and Potts is for Pepper, and Pepper Potts is for Iron Man who's awfully salty.
Salty like the sea and that rhymes with P and that stands for POOL!
[sung] Oh we got trouble, right here in River City, with a capital T and that rhymes with C and that stands for COOL!
Cool what? Cool Runnings. The Running Man. Man on Fire. Fire in the Hole! There's a hole in your mind! Mind over matter, and size matters not! [Yoda voice]

[Kermit the Frog] But only if you're green. It's not easy being green. It's not easy being small and it's harder being big.
They call me chubby, cuz I've gained a lot of bulk. But I've gained a lot of women so I never stop and sulk.
They come in legion numbers! They say they think I'm funny! They say they have an army!
And I say, "I have a Hulk."

Sure I'm big, but I wouldn't say I'm jacked. But I'm bigger than Monterey Jack. I'm fighter but I'm no Samurai Jack,[Jack Sparrow voice] I'm a drunkard but I'm no Jack Sparrow, [Jack nicholson voice] I'm a little creepy but I'm no Jack Nicholson when he played Jack Napier or Jack Torrence. I don't work, but I don't get play, so I'm not sure if Jack's a dull boy, or Jack the grown-up boy, or if I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. I'm not a carjack so I wouldn't Wheeljack, but Wheeljack built Grimlock and Grimlock put John Locke and Sherlock in a headlock. How'd Sherlock unlock Grimlock's John Locke headlock? No shit, sheer luck.

And that sheer luck was a sheer lock, because I'm time locked like a Time Lord
I'm stuck in the time slot right over Doctor Who on BBC One and BBC Two.
[Dalek voice] But I still find time to SPERMINATE! And I germinate.
[Arnold voice] I'm not German, but I Terminate. If it's American action on British TV, I still take my Tea-One-Thousand times, and catch a couple Fireflies and then it's time for Babylon Five.

Then it's Robocop, and cops and robbers, [Vito Corleone voice] then it's a CSI of all three Godfathers!
[Stallone voice] Then I am the Law! ...and Order SVU with Judge Dredd, Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold, and Judge Fudge!
[Judge Fudge voice] I got no time to make a rhyme, I'm too busy being judicious
And if judging's inauspicious, a little vicodin's delicious
And that brings us to my House. House is a doctor, and the doctor's hair is Gray, and Gray has the  Anatomy of a Scandal. A scandal's like a vandal, a Vandal's like a Savage, a savage can be noble, and a gas can be noble, so if a savage is hurting 'em, a gas is healing 'em.  SCIENCE! Science like chaos theory. The theory of chaos and fearing of entropy and the conservation of energy and the conversation of enemies. Chaos theory, Chaos Emperor, Chaos Emeralds! Sonic snatched the golden rings, but missed the one to rule them all. He'd collect 'em and inspect 'em, sort 'em out according to freshness and only keep one and call it "My preciousssssss."

I don't have hobbit's ears, but I like hoppy beer. I'm not in anime club, but I like the Irish pub. It makes me feel lucky. And that's just it. I'm lucky. My locks are lucky, and full of ginger. Source of Samson's power! ...or whoever rode on Cringer. He-Man? Was it He-Man? No way, it's just me, man, me and the bee-man and his ay caramba, and the Black Mamba, the Black Widow, Black Lightning and the Black Panther, the Black Pearl, and My Name is Earl, and the girl with the power (what power?) the power of voodoo! (Who do?) YOU DO! (Do what?) Remind me of the boy! (What boy?) The boy who lived!

Harry Potter! Bother bother bother! What wouldn't you give to be the boy who lived? To wave a wand and soar over the pond on a broomstick, shouting THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK! A broomstick or a boomstick or another brick in the wall that needs busting down, so who you gonna call? [wait] I'll call Egon and the others! But as Dan Aykroyd references go, I've forgotten the Blues Brothers. They're on a mission from God. So KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! Take a knee, Harry, and bring all your magic little friends. Bring Ronnie and Hermione, and the legendary Seeker and Bunsen and Beaker, Gandalf and the seven sages, Doctor Strange and the techno-mages. I'll call all my old friends, the ones with all the magic! And maybe teach you a little something about the magic of friendship.

The friend ship... is it a fast ship? Well it's faster than the rest a' ya. Now if you'll all excuse me: [feminine voice] Dear Princess Celestia.

It's almost time to end the rhyme. I was caught up in the moment, and now the moment is upon me. So get gone, thee, get gone thee to a nunnery, et in Arcadia ego. But before we go, take my ego and stroke it. And if you're not gonna stroke it, just roll it up and toke it, smoke 'em if you got 'em, poke it if you wanna, let's choke up the engine and get in strangers' cars, we'll talk about Al Roker and Bram Stoker, [Heath Joker voice] and the Joker and how he got those scars.  It only makes you stranger.

Finding man in stranger places on an ever stranger day. Escape from Butcher Bay aboard the Numue, orbiting Gallifrey or a galaxy far, far away, to do some cosplay, or swordplay, have free play Friday after the end of the workday.  But if all the wordplay's left you in a cold way and wasting time on Coldplay, then I've got just one more thing to say, four little words, one plus tray:

Ive-lay ong-lay and-yay osper-pray. Live long and prosper, and the Force be with you always!

Monologue written and delivered for Geek Chic Night, 12 October 2012 at Akbar, Los Angeles, CA
(c) David M. Pereyra

The Essence of Manliness

Just as I was about to pop into the shower, I was suddenly startled upon looking in the mirror.

I proclaimed aloud, "Sweet Mother of Moses! Who are you, you remarkably sexy creature just exploding with marvelous masses of masculinity, and why are you in my bathroom?!"

The man in the mirror replied, "I was trying to break into your home unnoticed, and when I heard you coming I hid behind what I assumed to be a mirror made of one-way glass. Turns out it's more of a window, actually. I will be going now. Please accept this door-frame grease as a gesture of my apologies. It is designed for widely-built fellows like yourself to fit through narrow openings."

I quirked a brow at him, quizzically. "For a moment, my friend," I ventured, "I thought you might be my reflection, for not only am I clad in naught but a towel, but also you seem to exude a similar sort of manliness as I, myself, am wont to do. So I must now ask: why, sir, if you are breaking into my home, are you, yourself, dressed in naught but a towel? Wielding a jar of grease meant for slipping large things through small openings, no less?"

Climbing gingerly out from behind my ersatz mirror, a hand over the front fold of his towel to preserve his dignity, the man replied, "I am not rightly sure."

My confusion giving way to anger, I grabbed the jar from him and bellowed, "Well, I should say you will leave NOW, or I will find myself inclined to use this unusually specific product in ways not sanctioned by its manufacturers! Have at you!"

And he left in a flash... but as I attempted to give chase, I realized what a great boon he had handed to me; had I but used his gift in the spirit he had given it to me, I might have fit through the door to follow him. Chagrined but safe, I proceeded to shower, lamenting that soon I would nevertheless have traces of door-frame grease all over my person for the remainder of the day once attempting to leave the bathroom.

To She Whom I Miss

10 November 2012

My Estranged Lover,

You didn’t come to bed last night. You’ve done this before, but last night felt different somehow. Perhaps it’s the colder weather we’ve been having; I don’t know. All I know is that I laid awake waiting for you, saying to myself, “She’ll be along eventually.”

You weren’t along. Eventually. Ever.

Minutes turned to hours, each long span of shivering loneliness punctuated by a small needle to my heart. Each needle, a doubt. A nagging voice telling me to wonder who you’re with. A subtle taunt telling me I already knew.

You might not know that I was talking to several friends last night. Each in turn bade me sweet dreams as they reported -- no, BOASTED -- that you were soon to swaddle them in your bosomy warmth. That in moments you would press against them, all my friends -- perhaps you’d tackle this one lovingly, throwing your arms around his neck and thrusting him with playful, romantic aggression into bed so that you could work your charms on him. Or her, who said she meant to “catch” some of you -- perhaps you’d invite her to bed, crawling up her body slowly, like some tempting serpent bent on smothering her with the love you were denying me. Or the other, who claimed to be too tired for anything at all -- he must have been an easy mark, no? Just take him by the hand and lead him to bed where he’d fall right down for the pleasures you’d give so freely to anyone but me. So quickly they all fall to you. You must be laughing at me.

Have I done something to you? Have I not expressed my gratitude every morning when we part ways? Have I not stretched and yawned and, despite rueing the day ahead, found a little light in the darkness knowing that you were with me all night? What dreams would I have without you? What peace of mind would I be denied if you left me? Have I not, again and again, told anyone who’d listen how I need you, how I love you, how a few scant hours with you is never enough?

I can be enough, dearest. Please -- come back to me tonight and let me show you that I can be enough for you, my darling.

I miss you, my dear mistress Sleep.

Ever and restlessly yours,
Dave.

"My Own Grain of Sand", a little poem by Dave Pereyra

I?
I am
as an ant
glaring petulantly at the
heavens bellowing in its tiny
insectoid voice a defiant cry of

HEAR ME! I AM IMPORTANT! I MATTER!

and waving all six of its
micrometer-long legs in an
intimidating show of its
futile might in
the face
of

the infinite cosmos

with its numberless stars

and endless gulfs of nothing
and everything

and I am as
an ant with
my tiny
voice

by
which I
mean to say
I'm off to vote.

6 November, Los Angeles

And a handful of conversations.

Published 11 October, a slice of my life as a young boy:

Me: "Where does thunder and lightning come from?"
Mom: "It's when God goes bowling in heaven. Every time he makes a strike, all the lights in the bowling alley go off."
Me: "But why is it always raining when he goes bowling?"
Mom: "He's really good at bowling. He always beats the angels and they cry when they lose."
Me: "Poor angels! Don't cry, angels! I can't even bowl at all!"


27 October, at the front desk.

Him: "Is the ground floor the same as the second floor?"
Me: "No..."
Him: "So what's 'G'?"
Me: "The ground floor."
Him: "Ground?"
Me: "Yes. 'G' for 'ground.'"
Him: "And what's '2'?
Me: "The second floor."
Him: "So where am I right now?"
Me: "The first floor."
Him: "And how do I get to the second floor?"
Me: "By going up. You can use the elevator or these stairs."
Him: "Up to G?"
Me: "No. Up to 2."
Him: "TWO?!"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "This hospital is so confusing!"
Me: "Yes, sir. Labyrinthine."


1 November, in the elevator:

Her: "Como estas, David?"
Me: "So far so good."
Her: "I said it in Spanish!"
Me: "Well, I said it in English."
Her: "You're supposed to reply in Spanish."
Me: "Okay, do it again."
Her: "Como estas?"
Me: "'In Spanish!"
Her: "I think God punishes me every time you speak."
Me: "How?"
Her: "You speak."


8 November, leaving the intensive care unit with my partner, Nerf:

Patient: "Wait, we forgot my shoes. Go back for them, please?"
Nerf: "What do they look like?"
Patient: "Big white things. Can't miss them."
Nerf: "Big and white? Like Dave?" [laughs]
Me: "Well, your shoes wouldn't be very useful if they're anything like me."
Patient and Nerf (unison): "Why?"
Me: "Because they'd be ginger... and they'd have no SOLES!"
Nerf: [moment of stunned silence; then, whispering] "Goddammit, Dave."


14 November, the emergency room (this entry entitled, "Why I love having the occasional young, clever, good-humored patient"):

Me: "Are you able to stand and walk?"
Him: "Yeah, I'm walking."
Me: [German accent] "Ah, ist valken und talken?"
Him: "Ja, und drinkin und stinkin!"
Me: "Alle be stinkin, but drinkin ist gut."
Him: "Ja, dat's gut!"
Me: "In die boot."
Him: "I said gut gut?"
Me: "In die boot."
Him: "Du vanna do it in die boot?"
Me: "In die boot!"
Him: "He do it in die boot!"
Me: "DAAAAAS BOOOOOOOT!"
[short but explosive peal of laughter from both]
[pause]
Him: "No homo though."
Me: "Check."

15 November, the nuclear medicine dept.:

Tech: "What's up?"
Me: "I'm here for that outpatient."
Tech: "Oh, I accidentally made two calls for the same patient. Go ahead and cancel yours."
Me: "Got someone on the way?"
Tech: "Yeah. Sorry about that. The guy got entered twice."
Me: "That sounds painful."
[pause]
Tech, another transporter, and transport nurse all in mildly disgusted unison: "AAAAAAAWWWWWWWHHHHHHH."

Brainal Mental Thinked Thoughts, Spanning August to November

Aug. 30

So I'm using the ice dispenser on my refrigerator and a piece of ice hits the floor. I stop dispensing for a moment, lean down, procure the wayward ice cube, and toss it over my shoulder, watching the kitchen's reflection in the refrigerator's surface to see if the ice cube made it to the sink. The ice lands at just the right angle to not only land in the sink, but to use the force of gravity and
 its own near-frictionlessness to Tony Hawk its way back OUT of the sink, across the room, and down the back of my shirt. At first, I am surprised, then awed, then suddenly depressed by the sight... the latter because the coolest thing I will have ever done in my mortal life on earth has just happened, and the rest of my existence now means nothing.

It was REALLY cool, though.

Sept. 4

Hey, married couples! Stop telling me you can't understand why I'm not like you (i.e., not married to my dream girl already)! It's really condescending! Have a nice day!

Oct. 8

If I were to be a pagan god, I'm not sure what I'd be a god OF. Mischief? Humor? Parties? And what would my symbol/artifact/totem be? A Grammar Hammer? A jug of some kind of alcohol? A really fancy hat?

These things keep me awake sometimes.

(Note: I was told that if I were a god of humor, I'd have a megaphone. Other suggestions for my "god of" status were "orgies" and "gingers".)

Oct. 12

Think of my hairy nipples as the dials on the radio of MANLINESS.  That extra manly patch in the middle is the speaker. Count the hairy armpits and suddenly it's SURROUND SOUND.

Oct. 14

I think I'm going to schedule some time, hopefully for a period of one solid week, where I don't tell a single joke. Not be mean, of course; I'll still be pleasant, polite and personable, I will just also go out of my way to not be funny. Might turn out to be an interesting experience, and maybe I'll shake off the funnyman's curse for a while.

A reminder that you're a product of the Adventist Mafia: Someone walks up to you and greets you by your name, asks warmly how you and your family are doing, and out of politeness you ask the same in return, and part ways expressing best wishes -- during which entire time you have no idea who it is that is mining such intimate details from you but so genuinely wishes that your mother hears that the speaker bade her hello.

Oct. 28

I'm starting with the man in the mirror.

Well, I'm REALLY starting with the man in bed who's groaning about how he doesn't want to get up. Then it'll be the man on the toilet, followed by the man in the shower, then probably the man rooting around in the dresser for clean socks, and at some point after THAT I'll get to the man in the mirror. Seems like more logical a progression than starting with the man in the mirror and expecting everything to go as planned.

Nov. 2

I have missed the dim light of the misty dawn, and the freedom to claim it as my own for at least a moment. The drowsy night-moon lagged behind this morning; not only to rouse her brother sun, but to bid me good-morning just because I'd been kind enough to look her in the face at this gray hour. She appreciated the effort, it seems, and I appreciate her smile.

Nov. 22
I'd love to gnaw your breasts and nibble your cranberries... but most of all, I'd REALLY love to split your thighs open and stuff you like you've never been stuffed before, until it's time to serve up a creampie.

I love you, turkey! And I also love the desserts!

trollface.jpg

Nov. 24
I must be less rested than I thought. In coming up with a name for an underwater research lab, I came up with the Biological Observation Outpost/Geological Exploration and Research Station... which came out as the acronym "BOOGERS". Then I thought that not only was the acronym satisfying from a literary perspective, but that it was a perfectly acceptable name for an entirely credible scientific endeavor.

Then I giggled a lot while saying "boogers" over and over.

Nov. 25
Who is the man behind the mask, they wonder. I say to you that the mask is all the substance there is to him. The insubstantial thing behind that mask is not called a man.

Adventures in Pronunciation

Them: “Hi. Where’s the Valley Jew Church?”
Me: “...beg pardon?”
Them: “I need the Valley Jew Drive Church.”
Me: “Say, you know that Mexican dish with tortillas, and spicy meat that they serve you still in the pan with peppers and onions and stuff?”
Them: “What?”
Me: “Just roll with me on this. You know what I’m talking about?”
Them: “Yes.”
Me: “What’s that called? A faaaaaa-what?”
Them: “A fajeeta.”
Me: “Righto. The VALLEJO DRIVE Church is that way.”

Yesterday and today, in RPG format

RANDOM ENCOUNTER!
ILL FORTUNE appears!
DAVE used Positive Outlook!
DAVE’s attack fizzles.
ILL FORTUNE attacks DAVE with Common Cold!
Hits! DAVE takes 72 damage.
DAVE rests. Common Cold removed!
ILL FORTUNE used Chronic Flareup!
It’s super effective! DAVE takes 932 damage.
Status ailment: Returning Chronic Episode of Lower Back Pain!
DAVE is knocked out!
ILL FORTUNE flees. No XP or GP awarded.

Warp back to town? y/n
Y
You are at the inn. Rest for the night? y/n
N
DAVE used item: 1x Last Leftover of Codeine Prescription!
Nothing happens.
DAVE: "Rats!"
Rest for the night? y/n
Y
The party has restored HP! However, DAVE has not cleared status ailments!
DAVE awakens in pain. 297 HP depleted. No AP replenished.
DAVE: "Ouch! This sucks!"
Where to?

O Warp to the Pub
O Warp to the Marketplace
X Warp to the Dungeon of Employment

You are at the workplace!
DAVE used item: 1x Energy Drink!
1x Daily Grind!
The day passes quickly. 80 GP awarded. Chronic Episode of Lower Back Pain hinders progress! 12 XP awarded. 362 HP depleted.

Warp to home? y/n
Y
DAVE is still in unremitting pain! 488 HP depleted.
DAVE wants to use Alchemy!
Use which Items?
- 1x Brandy
- 1x Honey
- 1x Tea
DAVE created item: 1x Hot Toddy! Alchemy skill increased!
DAVE used item: 1x Hot Toddy!
Status ailments cured! Chronic Episode of Lower Back Pain removed!
DAVE gained status ailment: A Little Tipsy
DAVE gained status ailment: Kind of Sweaty
DAVE: “Say, if it means I can walk, I’ll drink to that!”
Rest for the night? y/n
N
DAVE used item: 1x Next Episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!”
DAVE: “Now we’re talking! Let’s go!”
DAVE used item: 3x Leftovers! All HP restored!
Rest for the night? y/n
Y

Details, Details

NOTE: Events have been hyperbolized for effect.

Me: “Good morning!”
Them: “Hi. I’m looking for a patient?”
Me: [Attempts to ask the patient’s name.]
Them: [Without stopping] “They came in like two days ago, through the emergency room? They thought they just had a head wound, but it turns out they have a renoberation of the doohickey, and the injury got all infected and stuff so they had to amputate the head and they say...”
Me: [Tuning them out.]
Them: “...that they’re gonna be fine, but what they really wanted to look out for was the cottonmouth and the hairy nipples, which is a weird development for the particular gender of the patient, a tidbit of information which I’m not going to reveal at this point in the conversation...”
Me: [Thinking about something else.]
Them: “...and anyway, they had like three MRIs done at the same time: one of the jaw, one of the left big toe, and one of the neighbor’s dog because apparently that was like an inciting factor in the whole thing, and because of that I’m told the patient has the dog as a roommate, and the room’s supposed to be on either the second floor, the fifth floor, or the third and fourth simultaneously...”
Me: [Mentally orbiting Neptune.]
Them: “...so it’s one of them, and I’m not sure what floor you keep that kind of patient or whatever. Is there like a hairy nipple floor? An entire floor where you keep people with hairy nipples? Anyway, I’m looking for this patient.”
Me: “You done?”
Them: “I guess. Why?”
Me: “The massive amounts of information you’ve given me offers absolutely no indication of where the patient might be. You know what you could lead with that is the easiest possible unit of information? The sound bite that could maximize my usefulness to you, and minimize the length of this already egregiously long conversation?”
Them: “What’s that?”
Me: “The patient’s goddamn name.”
Them: “Oh. I don’t know it.”
Me: [Violently murders the visitor.]
Them: [In the throes of death.] “I think the first name starts with a consonant... does that help?”

A Commentary on the Brain

I like to think I am generally realistic about my overall appeal. A guy like me could do way worse for himself than to step back like I do, take a good long look in the mirror like I've done, and evaluate like I like to do.

I am not a handsome man.

When I hear women talk about men they find attractive and alluring, the features of note are culled from a very narrow range. This one's tall, that one's got a great bod, this other has dreamy eyes. Even a sexy voice can take a fellow of less-than-stellar looks into the realm of male deliciousness.

I have none of these features.

I'm not even six feet tall, which seems to be a good standard baseline for one's height having any bearing on his physical attractiveness. I'm overweight; neither slim nor toned nor muscular enough to have that genuine traditional attractiveness that your average movie star has, nor roly-poly enough to be "cute". It's really this awkward state of lead-buttedness that I have, one where I can't play for either team. I'm not an overwhelming fatso, but while there's muscle under there, you'd never know it. I don't have dreamy eyes; they're perpetually just a little bit bloodshot, set a little too low in my head and have too many prematurely aged lines under them for that. I don't have a cute smile. I don't have the nice strong chin I used to, because I haven't got that nice fat-free jawline I had back in high school. My head is enormous and my ears are tiny. I have my father's nose and that is no complement at all to my father. I don't have sexy, luxuriant hair because the hair I DO have is far too wiry; the rest has surrendered to the slow recession of the hairline and thinning at the crown. I don't even have a sexy voice. It tends toward rasp and excessive variability in pitch according to the whims of my allergies from one day to the next, and I assure you it is an unpleasant thing to listen to me narrate. There is truly no factor about my physical presence that is in any way remarkable.

That's why you're missing out on my mind.

I'm probably one of the smarter people you know. I haven't read all your favorite books or seen all your favorite movies, I know; but I know all about storytelling and can still talk with you in an animated and informed way about the things you like. I know how to listen to you. I know how to speak to you rather than at you. I can convince you on Monday that I am absentminded and inattentive for the sole purpose of seeing you light up with delight on Tuesday with some clever remark or welcome gesture which acts upon what I learned about you. I can tell you things about yourself that you didn't know but probably should. I can see into the heart of a problem you have and tell you a good way of solving it that you hadn't thought of before. I can entertain you. I can make you laugh. I can make you think. I can make you see my side, and I can make myself see yours. I can disagree with you and still hold you in a place of respect. I know how to impress you with wealthy repositories of knowledge on a vast swath of subjects and still be able to let you teach me something I didn't know. I can warn you of danger. I can outfox someone who's hurting you. I can introduce you to people you'd like. I can listen to you so intently, extrapolating and deducing from the little things you say to find out what you're preoccupied with so that I can be of greater assistance to you. I can tell if you're a good person to be friends with; and after a few conversations, if we're still talking, you're already in.

I am smart enough be an agent of good in your life.

I don't look like much, though.

I'm smart enough to know that that's why you won't talk to me.

And no amount of well-wishes, of knowing what's troubling you and knowing how to fix it, or of thinking I could be really, really good to you will change the fact that my overly-lined, bloodshot eyes just aren't dreamy enough for you.

Things I'd like to accomplish as an artist, #4

Create a character with a name as distinctive and "household" as those in Charles Dickens' work.

Things I'd like to accomplish as an artist, #3

To write an experience that nobody's actually had but everyone completely gets.