Directions

Being the transport dispatcher AND the receptionist at the front desk at the hospital, I am given a unique opportunity to observe the behavior of a great many people through the course of my day. I've learned just enough about reading faces and body language to know what sorts of people will respond well to humor, who will know to sign in without my directing them to, etc.

What I've not yet learned to read off of people, however, is how good they are with directions... at least, not until I give said directions.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that my place of work is both sprawling and labyrinthine. I will also admit that I, myself, got lost many times when I was new here, and it DID take me some time to learn my way around. But despite initial difficulty, I did manage it, and now I know the place quite well.

Again, being given the chance to observe the behavior of many people, sometimes hundreds a day, has also granted me the opportunity to refine the way I give directions. After a great deal of trial and error (and a great many confused expressions), I've discovered that clarity and brevity trump overabundance of detail and preciseness, even to those who LIKE detail and preciseness. I give directions from one landmark to the next (i.e., hallway intersections, elevators, and signs) rather than turn-by-turn instructions; I have discovered that not only do people LIKE landmarks, but they really stop listening if the directions get too complicated.

For example, if you're coming by my desk in the East tower, but you're looking for a room in the West, the way there actually is sort of long, and complicated if you're not paying attention. Here are the directions that the volunteer at my desk gives:

"So you'll go left-right-left, then take the elevator up to the second floor, then go left-right-left again, then walk down the hallway and over the bridge, then left-right-left again, then take the elevator up to the Xth floor to get to the room."

And here are my directions:

"Go left down this hall and keep walking until there's an elevator. Go to second floor, left again, and follow signs to 'west tower'. Once you're IN the west tower, go to the Xth floor."

Here's the problem: all the "left-right-left" the volunteer spouts off? Those are mostly just joints where the hallway itself turns, but they're not intersections where you have to distinguish turning one way from turning another. The only places where it's important to mind where you're turning are at the T-intersection by my desk, and getting off that first elevator. Beyond that, I leave it understood that until you see the landmark I've given you, just keep walking.

The reasons my directions are sparse and rely more on landmarks than actually minding each individual step are twofold. The first is, after rattling off about four or five steps, people's eyes go wide and unfocused, they quite visibly start thinking, "Wow, these directions are really complicated!" and suddenly, new information ceases to enter the brain. In this case, people will be looking right at me, looking to all the world like they're listening intently, but when I'm finished (and sometimes before), they ask me to repeat it. Eventually people get so flustered by the sheer number of steps that they ask me to write it down because they are THAT convinced that the directions (which, might I add, are assisted by signs that practically say "What you want is this way, bozo." from one end to the other) will not remain in their heads.

The other reason is, even if the person IS listening (or trying to), all it takes is one bad step to get them totally lost. Especially if I'm not watching as they go. Sometimes, where I clearly say to begin the journey by turning left, the visitor will take the widest right turn down the hall you've ever seen, and then attempt to follow the directions they've been given turn-for-turn; the problem is, if you make a right at first but continue following directions as they were given, you'll actually get somewhere... just at the exact opposite end of the hospital you need to be. Notice that the word "right" appears nowhere in my directional sequence, not even to say something like "right this way" to avoid confusion, and yet people still manage to encode directions backwards. In either of those instances, I usually end up repeating myself, or the visitor makes it a piece down the hall then comes right back because they didn't remember or interpret what I said.

What sparked this bout of contemplation, you may ask?

-----------------

-TODAY'S MEDALLISTS-

-Bronze-

Her: "Hi. How do I get to maternity?"

Me: "It's that building facing us, across the parking lot."

Her: "Oh. So the west tower?"

Me: "No, it's that building right out the window. See the one?"

Her: *doesn't look* "So how do I go there?"

Me: "Just walk straight out. There's a yellow pathway on the ground that leads you straight to the entrance."

Her: "Wait, so do I have to drive?"

Me: "...it's the building right there. It's like fifty feet away."

Her: "Is it up or down?"

Me: "....it's out. That way." *gesticulating most animatedly.*

Her: *blink blink.* "So how do I get there?"

Me: *psychotic episode*

-Silver-

Me: "So you go LEFT down this hall..." *continues and finishes dispensing the aforementioned sequence of directions to West tower.* "You'll find the room there."

Him: "Okay. So, RIGHT...?"

Me: "No no. LEFT down this hall... *lather*

Him: "Oh, oh, oh. Okay. So right here, then left, then..."

Me: *more pointedly interrupting* "Nope. So you go..." *rinse* "Listen, do you want me to write it down for you?"

Him: "Nah, nah. So it's a left, then up to four, then..."

Me: *MORE pointedly interrupting* "Noooo...." *repeat* "Hold on a moment, sir, I think I have a map around here somewhere..."

Him: "Oh. Cool." *as I'm looking, he sees the sign on the opposite wall, the first of several which say "<--- West Tower". * "OH. THERE ARE SIGNS."

Me: "YEEESSSSS." *produces map* "But here's this as a souvenier."

*dance number*

Him: "Thanks." *looks down at map and immediately takes exactly the wrong initial turn.*

Me: *violent, explosive nosebleed*

-Gold-

(I have taken the time to describe this one in detail, but really... just imagine a guy looking for an elevator and spinning around in circles in front of it, walking to and fro past it, and thinking every wall is an elevator EXCEPT the one that actually IS an elevator.)

Me: "You take this elevator up to the--

Him: *blows right past the elevator, then stands looking around in the hall.*

Me: "Sir? Elevator's right here."

Him: *turns right down the hallway.*

Me: "No, come back, come back..."

Him: *comes back to my desk*

Me: "Look left..." *pointing*

Him: *looks around and spins in almost a complete circle, looks back to me.*

Me: *pointing more vigirously* "Just keep turning... about 60 more degrees...

Him: *starts walking past it again.*

Me: "No, look right? It's the thing RIGHT in front of you, sir, just... oh, hell." *getting up from desk, making a HUGE show of pushing the button and somehow avoiding the urge to move him bodily such that he had to look at it.*

Him: *stares blankly at the elevator wall until one of the doors opens.* OHHHHHH. *hurries onto elevator and keeps hammering on the "door close" button*

Me: *aneurysm*

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In other news, there is blood in, around, and on many things that should not have blood in, around, and on them. Only some of it is mine.

Things I found when excavating my closet:

• an unopened Hellboy figure
• an unopened G.I. Joe figure
• the boxes for three Transformers and four Marvel figures purchased over a year ago
• two unworn pairs of shoes
• my graduation gown
• a sweater
• a beer can
• my old guitar case (yes, the entire case)
• a crocheted blanket
• a mouse pad
  

Seriously.

Musings from last night

From pocket notebook, 11/9/09

***

I had a daydream that I met a girl from my past.

I was adrift, and came to the church where she was a nun, like she said she wanted to be when we were so young. I approached her - at first she recoiled from me. She had not expected anyone to recognize her, and at that moment she didn't recognize me - I'd grown rougher and more fearsome than the boy she knew once. Recognition dawned when I spoke her name - she had a different one now - and she told me that my coming had been foretold to her.

One of her sisters told her a vision of a wounded wolf, clad in red and black, a terrifying beast that nevertheless did not move to harm her when she came near.

I told her my name - mine was different, too - and the vision became true in her mind. We had not forgotten each other, but knew now that there existed no world that would accommodate us for more than a moment. She loved me once, but she loved God more. I loved her once, but the road was my true lady.

When we parted, it was a sad parting. It made my heart feel sore to leave her in that place, so for the next long, long while, I chose to feel nothing.

***

I don't like ringing people's doorbells. I also don't dance.

***

It is when we are children that our passions are immediate, corporeal, real. We are taught, moment by moment and year by year, that we should restrain these passions; it is improper, unseemly, ungainly to be as we were as children, unrestrained in our passions. But this passion is the source of man's vibrancy, his life; in being taught to restrain our passions, we are steadily and slowly being taught to die.

***

No man need be
taught to die; one
way or the next, he
will find a way to
do it. If indecision
takes him for too
very long, Death
will assign him one.

Attitude Implants - On the Topics of the Management of Time, Money, and the Person

It's time for some attitude implants. There are more things than just the following to change about yourself, but we will begin with mechanical things before we move into more complex resolutions. What follows is a set of resolutions to adapt, concerning time management, money management, and physical health.

ON THE TOPIC OF MONEY

- Substances of health-injuring and otherwise objectionable properties are out of the budget. You want them? Find someone else who'll pay for them, because not another red cent of your own money will go to these things.
- There's food at home. Make things to bring with you rather than buying food while you're out. If it's necessary, don't exceed $10 on food. Social situations concerning food are excepted, in moderation.
- The plastic crack collection is officially out of control. Once you have regulated your schedule as outlined below, it'll be time to start eBaying items that you've had stored for a long time. Once the eBay process has begun, spend no more on new items than you earned by hawking the old.

ON THE TOPIC OF HEALTH

- Reiterating from the above, the booze, energy drinks, and soda are doing you no favors. They are out of the budget and out of your lifestyle. Keep a full bottle of water with you at all times and keep hydrated. Whether you're bringing food with you or going out, the soda is out. If you need to wake up, coffee is permissible.
- Resume your daily walk and accompany it with other exercises. These are outlined below.
- Your wildly variable sleep schedule is out of hand. Regulate it; aim for between 7-8 hours a night, but if burning some midnight oil is necessary, be sure to get no LESS than six hours a night.

HABITS TO BE OBSERVED DAILY

- You are a student. At present, this is obligation number one. Observe the formula that dad told to you: every week, for every hour you spend in class, spend at least two in study. Keep current with reading and assignments, read ahead when possible, take notes on your reading, and supplement it with whatever guides you can find, even if they be Wikipedia and Sparknotes. Obviously, there are days where you have more in-class hours than others, so this measurement will need to modulate, but generally speaking it's easy enough to spend the extra hours on the days with the fewest or no classes. Once you have accounted for the actual amounts of time that this and the following tasks will take, make a day schedule that's easiest to meet.
- You are an artist. It is necessary and proper for you to create art. Spend at least an hour a day on artwork. If somehow inspired during the day, sketch the idea. If you haven't any ideas, continue filling in some pre-existing piece of work (lines, colors, etc.). Even if your hands are misbehaving, you can still deliberately draw crap to get out of it. Again, at least an hour a day; however, keep it to that hour if other more immediate responsibilities are on you. Publish what you're working on to dA, unless you were adding to a pre-existing work. Allow yourself to be reviewed.
- You are a writer. It is highly necessary that you write. Again, spend at least an hour writing something that is unrelated to school. This includes creating or adding to stories, writing journals, stream of consciousness, anything. Also to reiterate, at least an hour is necessary, but don't exceed that if there are more immediate requirements for your time. Publish your stories and journals to your blog or to dA if you like.
- Time to tune it up. Regardless of what time it is, resume the walking route you used to take up the hill and around Earlmont. Time this walk to better build a schedule that can include it.
- Aim to be in bed at or before midnight and be up the next morning by 8.

HABITS TO BE OBSERVED WEEKLY

- Launder clothes weekly. Launder sheets every other week. Fridays are auspicious days for these tasks.
- In conjunction with your walk, tack on an extra bit of exercise. Meet a 3-day schedule of variance as follows: on the first day, go to the elementary school while on your walk and jog around the field, at least a 4-lap circuit. On the second day, indoor exercises, focusing on the trunk of your body (maybe look into pilates?). On the third day, just power-walk and take the long route on the eastern leg of Earlmont on your walk.

An Story Amusing-like and an Proposal Which is Hearty

So I woke up in a panic, actually saying aloud "SHIT SHIT SHIT" because for some reason I thought I was late for work already. Scant seconds later, my 5:40 alarm rang. Apparently, my internal clock already made the Daylight Saving jump.

On the plus side, waking up in the grip of sheer occupational terror is awesome if you don't have time to make coffee. WHOOSH.

Anyhow, I've been knocking an idea around in my head for a "That Guy With the Glasses"-type of review show called "Adapt/Advance". If you've ever seen the Nostalgia Critic, in particular his special "Old vs. New" series, it'd be a little like that -- considering two versions of the same piece of fiction from different times, i.e. considering the Gene Wilder and Johnny Depp versions of each of the "Chocolate Factory" movies. However, it'd have a more academic spin on things, considering the ancient/classic origins of our favorite modern-day pieces of fiction, considering how the adaptations of the classic are evolved and advanced throughout the years -- ergo, "Adapt/Advance".

Example: I have an episode in mind called, "How to sell your soul to the devil". I'd start with the story of the Damnation of Faust, then consider things like the legends of Robert Johnson and Paganini, films like "The Pick of Destiny" and both versions of "Bedazzled", and comics like Ghost Rider and the "One More Day" storyline in Spider-Man. It would be an exploration of how the classic informs the modern, presented in a humorous way.

It can be done? Maybe?

Your Cultural Relativism/Linguistics Lesson for the Day

Today's lesson: the difference between English and Japanese.

--

Consider the phoneme expressed in the IPA as "aj".

In English, the word expressed by that single phoneme is "I", a word quickly and loosely defined as "me" or "myself".

In Japanese, there is also a word expressed by that single phoneme: "ai," the word which translates into English as "love".

So the sound "aj" means "me" in English, and, in a funny way, "us" in Japanese. In English, the thing you never find in "team," in Japanese, the most beautiful kind of partnership. In English, selfishness; in Japanese, giving.

One month ago today...

I made a post.

I am making another today.