What I've not yet learned to read off of people, however, is how good they are with directions... at least, not until I give said directions.
Now, I'll be the first to admit that my place of work is both sprawling and labyrinthine. I will also admit that I, myself, got lost many times when I was new here, and it DID take me some time to learn my way around. But despite initial difficulty, I did manage it, and now I know the place quite well.
Again, being given the chance to observe the behavior of many people, sometimes hundreds a day, has also granted me the opportunity to refine the way I give directions. After a great deal of trial and error (and a great many confused expressions), I've discovered that clarity and brevity trump overabundance of detail and preciseness, even to those who LIKE detail and preciseness. I give directions from one landmark to the next (i.e., hallway intersections, elevators, and signs) rather than turn-by-turn instructions; I have discovered that not only do people LIKE landmarks, but they really stop listening if the directions get too complicated.
For example, if you're coming by my desk in the East tower, but you're looking for a room in the West, the way there actually is sort of long, and complicated if you're not paying attention. Here are the directions that the volunteer at my desk gives:
"So you'll go left-right-left, then take the elevator up to the second floor, then go left-right-left again, then walk down the hallway and over the bridge, then left-right-left again, then take the elevator up to the Xth floor to get to the room."
And here are my directions:
"Go left down this hall and keep walking until there's an elevator. Go to second floor, left again, and follow signs to 'west tower'. Once you're IN the west tower, go to the Xth floor."
Here's the problem: all the "left-right-left" the volunteer spouts off? Those are mostly just joints where the hallway itself turns, but they're not intersections where you have to distinguish turning one way from turning another. The only places where it's important to mind where you're turning are at the T-intersection by my desk, and getting off that first elevator. Beyond that, I leave it understood that until you see the landmark I've given you, just keep walking.
The reasons my directions are sparse and rely more on landmarks than actually minding each individual step are twofold. The first is, after rattling off about four or five steps, people's eyes go wide and unfocused, they quite visibly start thinking, "Wow, these directions are really complicated!" and suddenly, new information ceases to enter the brain. In this case, people will be looking right at me, looking to all the world like they're listening intently, but when I'm finished (and sometimes before), they ask me to repeat it. Eventually people get so flustered by the sheer number of steps that they ask me to write it down because they are THAT convinced that the directions (which, might I add, are assisted by signs that practically say "What you want is this way, bozo." from one end to the other) will not remain in their heads.
The other reason is, even if the person IS listening (or trying to), all it takes is one bad step to get them totally lost. Especially if I'm not watching as they go. Sometimes, where I clearly say to begin the journey by turning left, the visitor will take the widest right turn down the hall you've ever seen, and then attempt to follow the directions they've been given turn-for-turn; the problem is, if you make a right at first but continue following directions as they were given, you'll actually get somewhere... just at the exact opposite end of the hospital you need to be. Notice that the word "right" appears nowhere in my directional sequence, not even to say something like "right this way" to avoid confusion, and yet people still manage to encode directions backwards. In either of those instances, I usually end up repeating myself, or the visitor makes it a piece down the hall then comes right back because they didn't remember or interpret what I said.
What sparked this bout of contemplation, you may ask?
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-TODAY'S MEDALLISTS-
-Bronze-
Her: "Hi. How do I get to maternity?"
Me: "It's that building facing us, across the parking lot."
Her: "Oh. So the west tower?"
Me: "No, it's that building right out the window. See the one?"
Her: *doesn't look* "So how do I go there?"
Me: "Just walk straight out. There's a yellow pathway on the ground that leads you straight to the entrance."
Her: "Wait, so do I have to drive?"
Me: "...it's the building right there. It's like fifty feet away."
Her: "Is it up or down?"
Me: "....it's out. That way." *gesticulating most animatedly.*
Her: *blink blink.* "So how do I get there?"
Me: *psychotic episode*
-Silver-
Me: "So you go LEFT down this hall..." *continues and finishes dispensing the aforementioned sequence of directions to West tower.* "You'll find the room there."
Him: "Okay. So, RIGHT...?"
Me: "No no. LEFT down this hall... *lather*
Him: "Oh, oh, oh. Okay. So right here, then left, then..."
Me: *more pointedly interrupting* "Nope. So you go..." *rinse* "Listen, do you want me to write it down for you?"
Him: "Nah, nah. So it's a left, then up to four, then..."
Me: *MORE pointedly interrupting* "Noooo...." *repeat* "Hold on a moment, sir, I think I have a map around here somewhere..."
Him: "Oh. Cool." *as I'm looking, he sees the sign on the opposite wall, the first of several which say "<--- West Tower". * "OH. THERE ARE SIGNS."
Me: "YEEESSSSS." *produces map* "But here's this as a souvenier."
*dance number*
Him: "Thanks." *looks down at map and immediately takes exactly the wrong initial turn.*
Me: *violent, explosive nosebleed*
-Gold-
(I have taken the time to describe this one in detail, but really... just imagine a guy looking for an elevator and spinning around in circles in front of it, walking to and fro past it, and thinking every wall is an elevator EXCEPT the one that actually IS an elevator.)
Me: "You take this elevator up to the--
Him: *blows right past the elevator, then stands looking around in the hall.*
Me: "Sir? Elevator's right here."
Him: *turns right down the hallway.*
Me: "No, come back, come back..."
Him: *comes back to my desk*
Me: "Look left..." *pointing*
Him: *looks around and spins in almost a complete circle, looks back to me.*
Me: *pointing more vigirously* "Just keep turning... about 60 more degrees...
Him: *starts walking past it again.*
Me: "No, look right? It's the thing RIGHT in front of you, sir, just... oh, hell." *getting up from desk, making a HUGE show of pushing the button and somehow avoiding the urge to move him bodily such that he had to look at it.*
Him: *stares blankly at the elevator wall until one of the doors opens.* OHHHHHH. *hurries onto elevator and keeps hammering on the "door close" button*
Me: *aneurysm*
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In other news, there is blood in, around, and on many things that should not have blood in, around, and on them. Only some of it is mine.
