Adventures in Pronunciation

Them: “Hi. Where’s the Valley Jew Church?”
Me: “...beg pardon?”
Them: “I need the Valley Jew Drive Church.”
Me: “Say, you know that Mexican dish with tortillas, and spicy meat that they serve you still in the pan with peppers and onions and stuff?”
Them: “What?”
Me: “Just roll with me on this. You know what I’m talking about?”
Them: “Yes.”
Me: “What’s that called? A faaaaaa-what?”
Them: “A fajeeta.”
Me: “Righto. The VALLEJO DRIVE Church is that way.”

Yesterday and today, in RPG format

RANDOM ENCOUNTER!
ILL FORTUNE appears!
DAVE used Positive Outlook!
DAVE’s attack fizzles.
ILL FORTUNE attacks DAVE with Common Cold!
Hits! DAVE takes 72 damage.
DAVE rests. Common Cold removed!
ILL FORTUNE used Chronic Flareup!
It’s super effective! DAVE takes 932 damage.
Status ailment: Returning Chronic Episode of Lower Back Pain!
DAVE is knocked out!
ILL FORTUNE flees. No XP or GP awarded.

Warp back to town? y/n
Y
You are at the inn. Rest for the night? y/n
N
DAVE used item: 1x Last Leftover of Codeine Prescription!
Nothing happens.
DAVE: "Rats!"
Rest for the night? y/n
Y
The party has restored HP! However, DAVE has not cleared status ailments!
DAVE awakens in pain. 297 HP depleted. No AP replenished.
DAVE: "Ouch! This sucks!"
Where to?

O Warp to the Pub
O Warp to the Marketplace
X Warp to the Dungeon of Employment

You are at the workplace!
DAVE used item: 1x Energy Drink!
1x Daily Grind!
The day passes quickly. 80 GP awarded. Chronic Episode of Lower Back Pain hinders progress! 12 XP awarded. 362 HP depleted.

Warp to home? y/n
Y
DAVE is still in unremitting pain! 488 HP depleted.
DAVE wants to use Alchemy!
Use which Items?
- 1x Brandy
- 1x Honey
- 1x Tea
DAVE created item: 1x Hot Toddy! Alchemy skill increased!
DAVE used item: 1x Hot Toddy!
Status ailments cured! Chronic Episode of Lower Back Pain removed!
DAVE gained status ailment: A Little Tipsy
DAVE gained status ailment: Kind of Sweaty
DAVE: “Say, if it means I can walk, I’ll drink to that!”
Rest for the night? y/n
N
DAVE used item: 1x Next Episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!”
DAVE: “Now we’re talking! Let’s go!”
DAVE used item: 3x Leftovers! All HP restored!
Rest for the night? y/n
Y

Details, Details

NOTE: Events have been hyperbolized for effect.

Me: “Good morning!”
Them: “Hi. I’m looking for a patient?”
Me: [Attempts to ask the patient’s name.]
Them: [Without stopping] “They came in like two days ago, through the emergency room? They thought they just had a head wound, but it turns out they have a renoberation of the doohickey, and the injury got all infected and stuff so they had to amputate the head and they say...”
Me: [Tuning them out.]
Them: “...that they’re gonna be fine, but what they really wanted to look out for was the cottonmouth and the hairy nipples, which is a weird development for the particular gender of the patient, a tidbit of information which I’m not going to reveal at this point in the conversation...”
Me: [Thinking about something else.]
Them: “...and anyway, they had like three MRIs done at the same time: one of the jaw, one of the left big toe, and one of the neighbor’s dog because apparently that was like an inciting factor in the whole thing, and because of that I’m told the patient has the dog as a roommate, and the room’s supposed to be on either the second floor, the fifth floor, or the third and fourth simultaneously...”
Me: [Mentally orbiting Neptune.]
Them: “...so it’s one of them, and I’m not sure what floor you keep that kind of patient or whatever. Is there like a hairy nipple floor? An entire floor where you keep people with hairy nipples? Anyway, I’m looking for this patient.”
Me: “You done?”
Them: “I guess. Why?”
Me: “The massive amounts of information you’ve given me offers absolutely no indication of where the patient might be. You know what you could lead with that is the easiest possible unit of information? The sound bite that could maximize my usefulness to you, and minimize the length of this already egregiously long conversation?”
Them: “What’s that?”
Me: “The patient’s goddamn name.”
Them: “Oh. I don’t know it.”
Me: [Violently murders the visitor.]
Them: [In the throes of death.] “I think the first name starts with a consonant... does that help?”