Musings from last night

From pocket notebook, 11/9/09

***

I had a daydream that I met a girl from my past.

I was adrift, and came to the church where she was a nun, like she said she wanted to be when we were so young. I approached her - at first she recoiled from me. She had not expected anyone to recognize her, and at that moment she didn't recognize me - I'd grown rougher and more fearsome than the boy she knew once. Recognition dawned when I spoke her name - she had a different one now - and she told me that my coming had been foretold to her.

One of her sisters told her a vision of a wounded wolf, clad in red and black, a terrifying beast that nevertheless did not move to harm her when she came near.

I told her my name - mine was different, too - and the vision became true in her mind. We had not forgotten each other, but knew now that there existed no world that would accommodate us for more than a moment. She loved me once, but she loved God more. I loved her once, but the road was my true lady.

When we parted, it was a sad parting. It made my heart feel sore to leave her in that place, so for the next long, long while, I chose to feel nothing.

***

I don't like ringing people's doorbells. I also don't dance.

***

It is when we are children that our passions are immediate, corporeal, real. We are taught, moment by moment and year by year, that we should restrain these passions; it is improper, unseemly, ungainly to be as we were as children, unrestrained in our passions. But this passion is the source of man's vibrancy, his life; in being taught to restrain our passions, we are steadily and slowly being taught to die.

***

No man need be
taught to die; one
way or the next, he
will find a way to
do it. If indecision
takes him for too
very long, Death
will assign him one.