I'm really just a boy, and a boy is like a wonder, but it's no wonder the Boy Wonder's nothing like Wonder Woman;
but Wonder Woman like Xena, Xena fought with Ares, and Ares fought with Hercules
And Hercules was hairy.
And hairy Hercules met the oracle, but never met a metaphorical, metafictional, or metaphysical Mephistophiles.
You know; Mephisto, the brother of Diablo, and Diablo was the brother of Baal,
and I killed Baal with a claymore while Namor saved the whales.
(Leaving Aquaman quite pale.)
Pale like me! Like shark bait, like fish-belly white. White like what?
Like the white light of the White Lantern Corps, the White Fang of the White Tiger, and Perry White. Superman's boss! Never gave Superman a raise, and he never raised a toast,
He only raised his voice to say "Great Caesar's Ghost!"
I can please 'er like Caesar, I'm not a dummkopf like Totenkopf
I'm a smartacus like Spartacus! (But only when I'm hardicus)
And if you're parting us when I'm hardicus it's called coitus interruptus.
So don't interrupt us, me and my girl, my girl interrupted. Was that Angelina Jolie?
Holy Moly, Miss Jolie. Jolie was a Tomb Raider, I played 'er in my teenage nadir, my face all full of craters, and I'm afraid 'er place in my life made me a chronic masturbator.
Masturbator? Master Vader. Darth Vader.
You know that "vader" is the German word for the Latin word for "pater"?
Du ist mein vader, pater familia, pater patter of padded panther paws,
Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Peter Parker was a Marvel, Parker Posey was a DC,
A posey is a flower, and flowers go in pots, and Potts is for Pepper, and Pepper Potts is for Iron Man who's awfully salty.
Salty like the sea and that rhymes with P and that stands for POOL!
[sung] Oh we got trouble, right here in River City, with a capital T and that rhymes with C and that stands for COOL!
Cool what? Cool Runnings. The Running Man. Man on Fire. Fire in the Hole! There's a hole in your mind! Mind over matter, and size matters not! [Yoda voice]
[Kermit the Frog] But only if you're green. It's not easy being green. It's not easy being small and it's harder being big.
They call me chubby, cuz I've gained a lot of bulk. But I've gained a lot of women so I never stop and sulk.
They come in legion numbers! They say they think I'm funny! They say they have an army!
And I say, "I have a Hulk."
Sure I'm big, but I wouldn't say I'm jacked. But I'm bigger than Monterey Jack. I'm fighter but I'm no Samurai Jack,[Jack Sparrow voice] I'm a drunkard but I'm no Jack Sparrow, [Jack nicholson voice] I'm a little creepy but I'm no Jack Nicholson when he played Jack Napier or Jack Torrence. I don't work, but I don't get play, so I'm not sure if Jack's a dull boy, or Jack the grown-up boy, or if I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. I'm not a carjack so I wouldn't Wheeljack, but Wheeljack built Grimlock and Grimlock put John Locke and Sherlock in a headlock. How'd Sherlock unlock Grimlock's John Locke headlock? No shit, sheer luck.
And that sheer luck was a sheer lock, because I'm time locked like a Time Lord
I'm stuck in the time slot right over Doctor Who on BBC One and BBC Two.
[Dalek voice] But I still find time to SPERMINATE! And I germinate.
[Arnold voice] I'm not German, but I Terminate. If it's American action on British TV, I still take my Tea-One-Thousand times, and catch a couple Fireflies and then it's time for Babylon Five.
Then it's Robocop, and cops and robbers, [Vito Corleone voice] then it's a CSI of all three Godfathers!
[Stallone voice] Then I am the Law! ...and Order SVU with Judge Dredd, Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold, and Judge Fudge!
[Judge Fudge voice] I got no time to make a rhyme, I'm too busy being judicious
And if judging's inauspicious, a little vicodin's delicious
And that brings us to my House. House is a doctor, and the doctor's hair is Gray, and Gray has the Anatomy of a Scandal. A scandal's like a vandal, a Vandal's like a Savage, a savage can be noble, and a gas can be noble, so if a savage is hurting 'em, a gas is healing 'em. SCIENCE! Science like chaos theory. The theory of chaos and fearing of entropy and the conservation of energy and the conversation of enemies. Chaos theory, Chaos Emperor, Chaos Emeralds! Sonic snatched the golden rings, but missed the one to rule them all. He'd collect 'em and inspect 'em, sort 'em out according to freshness and only keep one and call it "My preciousssssss."
I don't have hobbit's ears, but I like hoppy beer. I'm not in anime club, but I like the Irish pub. It makes me feel lucky. And that's just it. I'm lucky. My locks are lucky, and full of ginger. Source of Samson's power! ...or whoever rode on Cringer. He-Man? Was it He-Man? No way, it's just me, man, me and the bee-man and his ay caramba, and the Black Mamba, the Black Widow, Black Lightning and the Black Panther, the Black Pearl, and My Name is Earl, and the girl with the power (what power?) the power of voodoo! (Who do?) YOU DO! (Do what?) Remind me of the boy! (What boy?) The boy who lived!
Harry Potter! Bother bother bother! What wouldn't you give to be the boy who lived? To wave a wand and soar over the pond on a broomstick, shouting THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK! A broomstick or a boomstick or another brick in the wall that needs busting down, so who you gonna call? [wait] I'll call Egon and the others! But as Dan Aykroyd references go, I've forgotten the Blues Brothers. They're on a mission from God. So KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! Take a knee, Harry, and bring all your magic little friends. Bring Ronnie and Hermione, and the legendary Seeker and Bunsen and Beaker, Gandalf and the seven sages, Doctor Strange and the techno-mages. I'll call all my old friends, the ones with all the magic! And maybe teach you a little something about the magic of friendship.
The friend ship... is it a fast ship? Well it's faster than the rest a' ya. Now if you'll all excuse me: [feminine voice] Dear Princess Celestia.
It's almost time to end the rhyme. I was caught up in the moment, and now the moment is upon me. So get gone, thee, get gone thee to a nunnery, et in Arcadia ego. But before we go, take my ego and stroke it. And if you're not gonna stroke it, just roll it up and toke it, smoke 'em if you got 'em, poke it if you wanna, let's choke up the engine and get in strangers' cars, we'll talk about Al Roker and Bram Stoker, [Heath Joker voice] and the Joker and how he got those scars. It only makes you stranger.
Finding man in stranger places on an ever stranger day. Escape from Butcher Bay aboard the Numue, orbiting Gallifrey or a galaxy far, far away, to do some cosplay, or swordplay, have free play Friday after the end of the workday. But if all the wordplay's left you in a cold way and wasting time on Coldplay, then I've got just one more thing to say, four little words, one plus tray:
Ive-lay ong-lay and-yay osper-pray. Live long and prosper, and the Force be with you always!
Monologue written and delivered for Geek Chic Night, 12 October 2012 at Akbar, Los Angeles, CA
(c) David M. Pereyra
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